Twas the Night Before Christmas
by animeflower107
Summary: One book. One guild. Mass hilarity. Mass marriages. Lots of crack-and bad poetry. Join the guild as they discover the foreign holiday of Christmas. Crack fic. NaLu, Gruvia, Jerza, Gajevy etc. Some language.


'Twas the Night Before Christmas

One book. One guild. Mass hilarity. Mass marriages. Lots of crack. Join the guild as they discover the foreign holiday of Christmas.

* * *

AnimeFlower: Hey everyone! I'm going to keep it short and sweet. I've been thinking about doing this story for a while, and I know I'm late, but it doesn't really matter…. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

Happy: Aye! Af1-chan doesn't own Fairy Tail, nor the original, _T'was the Night before Christmas_! Now, onto the story!

* * *

It was a very cold night in Fiore, driving large percentage of the guild members to gather in the walls of Fairy Tail.

"Oi, Levy," Lucy began, peaking over her blue haired friend's shoulder, "What are you reading?"

The two were at the guild's bar, dressed from head to toe in faux fur boots, jackets and other winter wear. Mirajane was dressed in a warm, ruby red dress, and was scuttling around the bar as usual.

Levy looked up from her book with a smile, "It's a foreign book called, _The Night before Christmas_. I read it every year."

"Really?" Lucy asked. "What is it about?"

Levy looked at her in disbelief. "You've never heard of the foreign holiday, _Christmas_?"  
"Uh…" Lucy responded, dumbfounded.

"What's Christmas, Levy?" Happy asked, popping up behind Lucy.

"Christmas is where you sleep for an entire week!" Natsu exclaimed, taking a seat by Lucy.

"Why are you yelling? And I'm sure that's not it…" Lucy sighed.

The two girls shook their heads in disbelief, for now everyone in their nosy guild was filing around them. Lucy stole a look at the bar maid who was smiling deviously at the dishes and realized she had to be behind this sudden interest in their conversation. Levy on the other hand was looking up at Gajeel, who towered over her like a skyscraper.

"Well, squirt, what is it?" Gajeel prodded.

Levy looked at him cross before explaining, "Christmas is a holiday where everyone gives and receives present and spends time with their loved ones. Oh, and there are parties and stuff like that."

"Eh?" Gajeel scoffed. "That sounds like s-"

"Super fun!" Mirajane squeaked in excitement.

"Are you serious?" Gray, who was in the giant crowd, asked.

"Yes! We should all have a 'Christmas,' right in the guild!" Mira squealed.

"Yeah!" Lisanna agreed.

"Oi, oi," Gray interjected, "I think Levy needs to read about this Christmas first before we jump to conclusions…"

"That's a surprisingly good idea coming from an ice head…" Gajeel nodded.

All the guild members turned to a nervous Levy simultaneously.

"Um... okay," Levy smiled nervously.

She cleared her throat loudly before beginning, "This story is called _'Twas the Night before Christmas,_ by Clement Clark Moore.'"

" 'Twas? What kind of word is 'twas?'"Natsu asked, scratching his head.

"Oi, Natsu, be quiet!" Lucy scolded.

"Hai…" Natsu replied.

"Here we go…" Levy continued, turning the page.

" _'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house_

 _Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;_

 _The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,_

 _In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;_

 _~.~_

 _The children were nestled all snug in their beds,_

 _While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;_

 _And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,_

 _Had just settled down for a long winter's nap-"_

"Levy!" Natsu interrupted, crossing his arms. "This is boring…"

"Oi, Natsu…" Erza growled.

"S-sorry!" he apologized swiftly.

"No, no, it's okay Natsu." Levy assured him. She turned to her blonde companion. "Lucy can tell the story."

"Eh?" The blonde replied. "How about no…?"

"Come on Luce!" Natsu grinned. "Better yet, make up a story!"

"Now, now, I wouldn't want to do the author injustice…" Lucy reasoned.

Happy floated over to his friends, landing on Lucy's head. "Well isn't there another story on the page?" He asked.

"No. There isn't." Lucy replied.

"Yeah huh!" Happy shouted. "Look!" He snatched up the book from Levy and shoved it in Lucy's face. However, upon turning the page, the cat found it to be blank. "B-but..."

Suddenly, the page flashed gold, and words began to write themselves on the page.

"It's a magic book…" Lucy exclaimed, astounded.

She looked to Levy, who was equally surprised.

"It must change with the desires of the reader…" Levy said.

"Alright everyone! Listen up!" The blonde cleared her throat before continuing,

"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through Fiore,

Not one Exceed was stirring, no less, no more

The food was locked up in the refrigerator with care,

In fear Natsu would leave their cupboards bare."

"Hey!" Natsu shouted in outrage before being shushed by eager listeners. Lucy rolled her eyes before continuing.

"The wizards all slumbered sweetly within their beds,

Whilst dreams of monsters and magic clashed in their heads.

The weather was biting and nipped at all toes

Who had not the sense to know they would soon be froze."

~.~

"When outside Lucy's room arose a bang, crank and a clatter,

She sprang from her couch, but she knew what was matter.

She opened the door all angry and red,

To find Natsu and Happy, just as she'd said."

"Lucy! Give me that thing! You're boring!" Natsu interrupted, snatching the book from her hands.

"O-oi, wait a minute…" Lucy protested against the injustice she had been dealt. Seeing that her complaints would not be acknowledged, she pouted and sat down next to Levy.

After a few seconds, the letters on the page began to glow before changing themselves around once more.

"Woah! Now this is a story!" Natsu exclaimed. "Alright, listen up you guys."

"Lucy welcomed them in with a smile aglow

And gave Happy a fish with a giant red bow

And, to Natsu's surprise, suddenly appeared,

A glass of fire whiskey, and a large smoked deer."

~.~

"Then a scrawny ol' pervert, who lacked any shame,

Walked through Lucy's house with his junk on display

Natsu was angry to see that damned bastard Gray.

But that genius Natsu, he knew what to do,

And with a great dragon's fist, out the window he flew!"

"Oi you bastard!" Gray yelled, snatching the book from Natsu.

"Hey! Give me it back!" Natsu protested, reaching for the book.

"No way." Gray said, holding Natsu back with a hand to his forehead.

Natsu frowned and gave up, electing to go sit by Lucy instead. Gray thumbed through the pages until he reached the perfect page. He smiled as the page he landed on glimmered, words flying through the air for a bit before finally setting in their rightful order.

A smirk crept to his lips. "Now this, this is a story."

"But damn that charming Gray, he couldn't be beat!

Up the stairs he flew—and it was quite the feat.

The door bell he rang, calling Natsu with a clatter,

Who flung open the door to see what was the matter."

~.~

"But that dumb Natsu, quite the nitwit,

Was no match for Gray, so cunning and fit.

His superior ice magic froze his puny fire,

And coupled with a strong punch,

Natsu was sent flying even higher."

"Gray!" Levy complained, "That didn't even sound right."

Gray looked up from his book, clearly annoyed. "Don't blame me, it's your dumb magic book."

"It's not dumb!" Levy retorted.

"Yeah, Gray," Lucy chimed in, "Respect the book!"

"Yeah, Gray, respect it." Natsu mocked, pointing at Gray.

Lucy hit him on the head softly, effectively shutting him up. Now distracted, everyone began to chatter.

"Hey, I wasn't done with the story!" Gray fussed.

Despite his cries, no one paid a lick of attention to him. Except for Juvia, that is.

"Juvine!" She declared, jumping out of the crowd and onto Gray.

"What the hell? Get off!" He shouted, holding the book out of her reach.

"Gray-sama, give Juvia the book!" Juvia demanded madly, attempting to retrieve the book. "Juvia wants to read a story about Gray-sama's love!"

"Love? No way! Let go!"

Seeing a prime opportunity, an evil glint sparked in Gajeel's eye.

"Give me this shit!" Gajeel exclaimed, snatching the book from the quarreling lovers.

"Oi!" Gray retorted. "Give it back, limp steel!"

"Gajeel-sama!" Juvia pouted.

The pages on the book began to glow again as letters shuffled in the air, calling everyone's attention back to the reader. Once the magic settled, Gajeel began.

"Down the street with Levy in tow,

Gajeel watched Natsu fly through the sky with a 'Woah.'

The dragon slayer crashed head first in a snow dune,

But Gajeel distracted the worried Levy with the full moon."

~.~

"They continued down the frosty streets without care

And all Gajeel could do was p-play in Levy's… hair…"

A huge blush crept over both Gajeel and Levy's face as he slowly stopped reading. Meanwhile, everyone in the entire guild had a mischievous look on their face.

"What's wrong, metal head?" Natsu asked mischievously.

"Yeah, it sounded like you were getting to the good part!" Gray added.

The two exchanged high fives and subtle jabs to the side.

"S-shut up!" Gajeel retorted. "There must be something wrong with this dumb book…"

"Gajeel!" Levy fussed quietly, though still blushing. "It's not a dumb book."

Erza, who had been sitting idly the whole time, silently retrieved the book from the embarrassed Gajeel. She peered at the book quizzically, examining its cover.

"This is a fascinating book indeed. But why won't it glow for me?" She asked, gripping it with both hands tightly.

"It's because it's closed." Lucy said simply, peering over her shoulder.

"I see." Erza mumbled.

Hesitantly, she opened the book. She watched in awe as the magic began to work.

"This is amazing." She said as the magic settled. Clearing her throat, she began to read.

"Erza was waiting back at the guild,

And her heart could not be anymore filled,

With strawberry cake in her tummy

And the elusive Jellal-"

Without another word, she shut the book abruptly.

"Actually, someone else take this." She said, fighting the blush threatening to make its way onto her face.

"I will!" Happy shouted excitedly, grabbing the book from Erza with a mischievous look. He cracked open the pages with haste. One look at the pages before him let him know exactly why Erza stopped reading. "This says something dirty about Jellal's butt!"

"Lies!" Erza shouted, swatting him away angrily and reclaiming the book. "Damn cat!"

Happy giggled as he flew out of her reach.

As Erza continued to try and hit Happy back down to Earthland, Mirajane pushed her way through the crowd, taking the book from Erza before anyone else could.

"My, my, what a fun book." She said, her sweet smile plastered front and center.

At that moment, time froze. Everyone knew things were about to go south—and fast.

"Shit, Gray grab it!" Natsu whispered.

"You do it, fire breath." Gray whispered back.

"Now Mira," Lucy said innocently, extending her arm out toward the book, "Let's have Levy finish the story as it was supposed to be read. I'm sure it's a very interesting read…"

"Now Lucy," Mirajane responded, "I bet I could weave an even better story than the original author _ever_ could."

Lucy and Levy's eyes widened in horror. Everyone knew that the demon Mirajane did nothing but plot to couple people together, whether it was giving them a strange drink or spreading a rather awkward rumor about the other. But with the power of literature now on Mira's side, the true devil was about to be unleashed.

"Grab it!" Erza yelled, launching herself at the white haired mage.

Mira scooted to the right at the last second, sending Erza falling into the crowd. Every jaw in the guild dropped as a very awkward silence settled in the room.

"Charge!" The entire guild shouted in unison.

At once, everyone in the guild flung toward Mira. Not one to be captured, she extended her Satan Soul wings and flew high into the air.

"Get her, exceeds!" Erza yelled.

Happy, Carla and Pantherlily roared with determination as they joined Mira in the sky. They positioned themselves in a triangular formation around her, preparing themselves mentally for the battle to recover the book.

"Exceeds, attack!" Pantherlily commanded, flying toward her.

"Aye sir!" Happy yelled, also beginning to move forward.

"On it!" Carla shouted.

"Tch." Mirajane clicked her tongue.

With a simple flap of her massive wings, all three cats were sent spiraling toward the ground. Their respective owners managed to catch them just in time.

"Now then," Mira began, a dark aura surrounding her, "Let's finish this story."

"Now Natsu! now, Gray! now, Gajeel and Jellal!

Oh, Lucy! Oh, Juvia! oh, Levy, Erza and all!

Decorate the guild! Put that Christmas tree in the hall!

'Yes Mira-sama!' Anything you say! Anything at all!'"

~.~

"Mirajane watched her friends wildly fly,

Helping her prepare for the holiday party without a cry.

In the blink of an eye with no chaos to ensue,

The guild was filled with holiday spirt, and lots of booze too."

~.~

"And then, in a twinkling, Mira heard on the roof

The scuttling of boots, and someone fall with an 'oof.'

They all swiveled their heads, confused by the odd sound,

As down the chimney fell Master Makarov with a bound."

~.~

"He was dressed all in red, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all dirty with ashes and soot.

A bundle of jewels and treats galore he carried his back,

And the entire guild gathered as he opened his pack."

~.~

"Master's eyes—how they twinkled! His smile, how merry!

His sweet cheeks were like roses; and from the cold, his nose like a cherry!"

"You know," Levy whispered as Mira continued to read. "This isn't so bad. It's actually similar to the original story."

"Really?" Lucy whispered back. "Maybe she's not so devilish after all."

"It's kind of boring." Natsu complained slightly louder than intended.

Mirajane paused abruptly, sending a murderous glare toward Natsu. She shut the book angrily, sending a loud clap booming through the air. In sync, everyone turned slowly from the flying Mira to face him.

"Boring, eh?" She glowered. The cover of the book began to glow a mysterious purple and red, a stark difference from the usual bright yellow. "I'll give you the read of a lifetime, Dragneel."

"Fuck." Natsu cursed, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut. There was no use trying to cover his ass. Unfortunately, now every eye was on him.

"When this is over," Gajeel hissed, "I'm kicking your ass."

Natsu didn't even bother arguing.

"The Christmas party started off without a hitch,

And almost immediately, everyone was drunk as shit.

Especially Lucy, dressed in a cute little reindeer suit,

Who kept eyeing Natsu, like a bag full of loot!"

~.~

"Like a tiger she pounced on him without care,

And dragged him out of the guild and into the cold night air.

Mira giggled as she watched him begging in despair!

Back in the guild, the drunken shenanigans had come to a head,

And those who were not drunk left to get in their bed."

~.~

"Levy was giggling at drunk Gajeel's non-eyebrowed face,

As Gajeel cried into Pantherlily's strong embrace,

'Levy doesn't love me, she is very mean!'

But his commentary brought about a situation unforeseen."

~.~

"'I love Gajeel more than any of you love anyone!' She yelled.

'No, I love Jellal the most!' Cried Erza—and her anger could not be quelled.

Soon all pairs were fighting over who loved who the most,

But none could beat Juvia and Gray, who roared utmost."

~.~

"'I love you, Juvia!' Gray cried, 'Let's get married, right here, tonight!'

'Oh Gray-sama,' Juvia swooned, 'Let's get married right here, with no respite!'

However, the feeling in the air just wasn't right,

And in pure outrage, everyone began to fight."

~.~

"'Now, now, everyone,' Mirajane called

And with the sound of her sweet voice, the bad behavior stalled.

'Now mama Mira knows just what to do,'

'We'll host a giant Christmas wedding—with room for all of you!'"

~.~

"Elated at the news, everyone cheered,

Put on fancy white dresses and hugged their loved one dear.

Now Gajevy,and Elfever, and Rowen, and Gruvia

And Brax, and Bixanna, and Cappy and Jerza,

All these couples and more stood in a row,

With just one missing couple, a blonde bride and her pink beau."

~.~

"Mirajane snapped her fingers, and clapped her hands,

And the universe went to work on her command.

Seconds later, Lucy dragged the kiss covered Natsu back into the guild,

And they lined up along everyone else to get their marriage license filled."

~.~

"Mira spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,

Filled out every couple's form, then turned with a satisfied smirk.

'And with the power vested in me,' Mira declared.

'You may now kiss the bride, and may no tongue be spared.'"

~.~

"All the remaining singles wolf gave a whistle,

As the kissing couples heated the room like a missile.

Mira swooned, overjoyed as her OTPs came true

This was her Christmas present, one long overdue."

~.~

"And with that, dear friends, the Fairy Christmas Story was through.

Everyone grabbed their gifts, and to their homes they withdrew.

She overheard scandalous comments as her friends disappeared out of sight,

'Happy Christmas to all,' she whispered, 'make me an auntie tonight!'"

"The end." Mirajane declared, closing the book.

Everyone looked on at her in shock as she floated back down to the floor.

"Well, Natsu, how was _that_ story for you?" She asked mischievously.

"It could've been wor-" Natsu began, earning a sharp jab from the furiously blushing Lucy, "I mean, it was really something! I sure learned my lesson."

Mirajane narrowed her eyes at him. She looked around to find the rest of her guildmates in total despair.

"B-Babies…marriage? Jellal?" Erza murmured, face as red as her hair.

"Wendy, I never really thought of you that way…" Romeo said, scooting far away from the sky dragon.

Wendy, who was just as flustered, said nothing at all. She simply opted to scoot away from him as well.

Meanwhile, Elfman and Evergreen were now arguing about something know one could figure out, Happy was offering Carla fish, and Gajeel and Levy were simply being Gajeel and Levy—blushing, but not anymore effected than they had been by what Gajeel read. The other couples in the guild were also blushing and murmuring, trying to calmly discuss what Mira had read.

Satisfied with the current state of the guild, she turned back to Lucy and Natsu.

"That's okay Natsu, I'll go find another magic book for you." She said very sweetly. "You'll be the main character, and I'll make it especially raunchy—just for you."

"Now Mira, let's not be hasty." Natsu and Lucy said in unison. The two turned to face each other, equally embarrassed by what the bar mage was implying.

"Bring me more books, Levy!" Mirajane declared, pumping a fist into the air.

"No!" Everyone else yelled.

"Laxus!" Natsu called, "Come get Mira!"

His eyes filled with terror as he realized his fatal mistake. Without a word, Mira began sending dark blasts of magic toward his fleeing form, causing everyone else to begin running too.

Levy looked on at the chaos in the guild, shocked by what one book caused. Shaking, she grabbed the book, which had haphazardly been left on the counter by its final reader.

"On second thought," Levy said, flustered, "Let's just not talk about Christmas."

The end.

* * *

Merry (belated) Christmas! Not quite sure what I wrote, but I hope you enjoyed this crack-fic. I'm wishing you all a Happy New Year : )

If you liked that, check out my other active stories, Super Secret Agent, Detective Lucy Heartfilia and WANTED. Super Secret Agent is about to start heating up, so I recommend that the most.

P.S. Brax= Max x Broom/ Broom x Max THE ORIGINAL OTP (Kidding but I have an unnatural obsession with that crack ship. *coughs*)

Anyways, that's all. See you very soon!


End file.
